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Sunday, February 13, 2011

Change; accept it or not, it's there.

The day I realized how things change no matter how hard you fantasize, I came in contact with a new 'me'. Not that I felt new, just that I was in angst. My new half which was now revealed worried me. I felt anxious as I came in contact with a soul half tortured, half threatened and was agonized by the pressure of being lost. That was when it hit me, the thought that this half; was the real me. Just like a fish out of the water I felt miserable. As if I was drowning in the ocean of havoc. No, I didn't realize why, because somehow I knew. I knew what that tiny little "problem" with me was.

Change, I was afraid of it. I was mentally moved by the thought of having a change in my life. I was being ludicrous though, but how could have I understood? Maybe by hurting myself a little more. Maybe by torturing myself in a better way, maybe by hitting my foot with the hammer for a little longer. Dear oh dear, did I feel good. My oh my was I insane. Maybe yes, maybe this was the only way I could have let go and I did.

Tearing away the flesh allowing the blood to flow out of the chord, I slipped the tool of ice and fire along my skin. Nothing mattered at the moment, nothing meant and nothing felt. As if I was made up of a disgusting material. As if something would change with this antagonistic behavior of mine. As if every damned thing would come back to normal. Did it? Could it? Should it? No, it didn't, couldn't and why should it be normal?

The blood ran out of the wound like a stream of lava being thrown out from a mountain. Like a spell being cast from a wand, like the rain pouring down from the sky, like the flow of words from the mouth. I sat there cold and gazed into the mirror. Finally, I was free. Free from the pain, free from the temptations, free from the expectations and above all free from all accusations.

"Yes", I whispered. My mind agreeing as it said "No more waking up in the morning, washing your face, looking in the mirror feeling disgusted", "No more wetting the pillow crying, every night". I guess sometimes it just isn't about you, it's about the ones who complete you. But in my case where were the ones who should have come? Where were the rescuers? Where was my shield of "Achilles"?